august 17

two days in brooklyn are enough to teach me one thing: this is the most intimidating, overwhelming place i have ever been. that annoyingly used cliche about new york life being so much faster than anywhere does, unfortunately, hold true. i’m used to having all sorts of conversations with strangers--cashiers and the like. but the ones here, still pleasant, just have a different feel to them. shorter, more brisk, and way more direct. it’s something to get used to. there’s also a whole different level of crazy here. like the lady on the subway this morning who, in addition to organizing a grocery bag full of lotions and shampoos and things, had a basket, an entire basket, full of rollos. who the fuck needs an entire basket full of rollos? there’s also the weird habit people have here of giving you a straw with any beverage you buy, including canned sodas and bottles of yoohoo. that i’ll never understand.

but all of this does create an interesting community of its own. on the train ride in from the airport, the homeless man a few seats down from me was flipping through some small, cheap comic books. after i awhile i realized that he had everyone in the immediate vicinity’s attention, so i looked again and noticed that the story he was reading, as much as i could tell from my sideways glances, concerned only some lady getting nailed from behind by a big burly dude. now, just as the rest of us around this man started sharing looks and snickers and worrying about whether or not our friendly comic aficionado was going to slip a hand down his pants, he looked up with that smirk on his face that said, “you really don’t realize i’m just fucking with you, do you?”

weirdly enough, it’s these kind of exchanges that give me hope. or maybe i’m just losing my mind as well, already. but, i have a feeling most people’s immediate reaction to a story about a homeless man looking at porn on a subway would be horror. in reality, though, it was just kind of funny for everyone involved, once we all saw that look. it seems like a good metaphor for the city in general: it seems so terrifying, but once you calm down and see it for what it is, it’s not so bad.

but, if i were to be honest, i would have to admit that the more than anything--more than awe or wonder or excitement--i’ve been homesick since i’ve been here. it’s just been such a change from a where i was a week ago that i have been what some may call freaking the fuck out--second guessing this whole plan, trying to find a way to just settle back down in chapel hill. giving up. but i know that won’t solve anything, not really.

so i’ve decided to look for a short-term sublease or a month-rate at a hostel. i still want to make this move work, but with everything happening so quickly--this whirlwind of me moving and saying goodbye--i need to slow down. i want a way to get me here and give me ample time to explore and get a feel for the place. that way and i won’t be so stressed and i’ll be able to take my time with it all. for now, though, i’m going to boston for a couple days. hopefully i’ll come back here and focus on seeing the area, trying out the lifestyle so that when i come back next month, i’ll be able to jump right in.